To help ease my way through the new series’ live shows, I’ve drafted an X Factor drinking game. My ex-housemate and I did one of these last year before she sadly went quite mad. I watch this show largely because I hate everyone involved with it and the surge of loathing I get from watching it makes me feel alive.

Cheryl’s Girls

1. Finish your drink when Katie Waissel appears on screen. You’ll need it to get through the ordeal that is watching her traipse about the screen completely unaware of how utterly hideous in every way she is.

2. Take a shot when Cher Lloyd makes those weird gurning rap faces, as she takes credit for writing Dr Dre’s back catalogue.

3. One finger when the judges tell Rebecca Ferguson she is The Next Big Thing. Finish your drink if she manages to do something that is in any way surprising.

4. Two fingers every time you look at Treyc Cohen and wonder what the fuck the stylists were thinking when they dressed her. Extra points if they’ve managed to make her look like a brick shithouse.

Louis’ Pensioners

5. Take a shot when a reference to Mary Byrne’s sad previous existence as a Tesco’s cashier is patronisingly made by any one of the judges, none of whom have ever stooped so low.

6. Drink one finger for every time Wagner looks confused but like he’s having a lovely time on televised karaoke night at his local.

Simon’s Group

7. Finish your drink if you have no clue who the children in One Direction are individually and instead refer to them as “curly top”, “Irish one”, “tanned kid”, “tall, Asperger’s looking feller” and “no, not him, the other one. No, the other, other one”.

Dannii’s Boys

8. Drink one finger whenever you wonder what Matt Cardle’s hiding under that hat. Receding hairline? The face of the evil lord Voldemort bolted on the back of his head? Bald spot like Friar Tuck?

9. Take a shot if Simon talks about Paije’s outfit choices like Simon isn’t sitting there wearing the same thing he wears every single episode, as if he’s a fucking cartoon character.

10. Start drinking when Aiden Grimshaw begins his traumatised-child-talking-to-his-therapist-about-his-molestation back and forth rocking motion. Stop when he does and hope the nightmares do too.


11. Take a shot when Cheryl shows blatant favouritism towards Cher. Finish your drink if she manages to pretend she gives a shit about Treyc.

12. Two fingers when you think you see Dannii either experiencing or trying to express an emotion.

13. Two fingers if someone brings up Louis’ blatant homosexuality. Finish your drink if he giggles and blushes in response.

14. Take a shot whenever Simon looks smugger than everyone else as he sighs, throws his hands up and starts his advice with “Look, the thing with you is…” The thing is, it’s Simon’s show so kiss his ass to save yours.

15. Shot when anyone says any of the following: “Liked you last week…LOVED you this week!”, “100% yes!”, “You are what this competition is all about” or “You’re just getting better and better”. They don’t get any better, but hopefully the shots will fool you.