I haven’t blogged in a while. Partially because with regards to Korea, it’s all become a waiting game as EPIK recieve, process and sort their applications. There’s a group pf us on facebook who basically sit there refreshing this online spreadsheet which shows how far along in the process they are and how the available places dwindle daily as more people are processed and existing teachers decide to stay on. A few of us messaged about this, on pins and needles and hoping we would next be placed when someone said “Maybe you guys have already been placed”. It’s funny because that honestly never occured to me, and I think that’s an indication of my thinking.

I also stop writing entries when I feel like shit, which was essentially most of November. In hindsight I’m pissed about that. Most of November was spent writing CVs and cover letters and applying for jobs and getting knocked back on bullshit and it really fucked with me, tbh. It pushed me into a super negative headspace. It sucks to not be working and not feel like you’re contributing or like anything you do matters. It sucks to be leeching from your family and spend all day alone in your house waiting for the productive folk to come home. Why bother doing anything when nothing you do matters? Why even get up? Being conscious just makes the days longer.

It’s a headspace I fall into all too easily and it’s the least helpful thing ever. It forms into a habit and becomes hard to break. Having now broken it, I feel terrible about basically losing a month. I need to do more stuff that matters.